I should be out early like the robins looking for the food. But somehow my brain doesn't function like that. It tells me things like, You didn't get meat from the freezer last night. It will take too long to make pancakes, and you'll make the men late for work. There are no leftovers and what, oh what, will I pack in their lunches?
Isn't it pleasant to awake to such thoughts? Lately I've been contemplating how awesome it would be to not be needed. I would be able to sleep as long as I wanted and maybe one day wake up refreshed.
Then I realize there are people who wish someone would need them. It's too distant a thought for me to comprehend at this stage of my life.
When the boys were all little, an older friend told me, "Marie, it doesn't get any better." I looked at her in disbelief. You mean this is for life? I understand her statement now.
It does get better in the sense that babies aren't sucking the life out of you, literally, physically. Sleepless nights, belly full of unborn child, crying babies, dirty diapers, etc.
But life gets full in another way. Helping children learn life lessons. Orchestrating all their interests. Inspiring them to want the most out of life. Making sure they learn that life is hard work.
Then there's the never ending laundry. Food, always food. Cleaning and cleaning. How can grownups make such a mess? I thought children were the mess makers.
Not so long ago, another friend said, of having married children, "Marie, life doesn't get any easier!" Oh no! So what is in store for me? Just never ending weariness?
Interestingly the former friend is now an "empty nester" and she told me that she has now come through a time of wondering what she's here for. So that tells me there is rest ahead.
Rest... and maybe with it comes confusion? What is my purpose now that my children no longer need me? I've really had a struggle this week with a similar thing but I'll save all that for another day.
Somehow I just feel like writing about real life right now. Getting it out of my system. If it helps someone else to read about real life, you're welcome. Otherwise, just move on with yours. It's okay. This is my space.
Today we had the monthly sisters' sewing day at church. (Seems I've written about that a good bit recently.) We normally have a short time of devotional during the day and we're currently studying the book, Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
The lie we looked at today was about emotions, "The answer to depression must first be sought in medication and/or psychotherapy." (Remember, that is a lie!)
Many (most) times depression is the fruit of unresolved heart issues. Stemming from ingratitude, unresolved conflict, irresponsibility, guilt, bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, claiming of rights, anger and self-centeredness. That's quite a list.
So if my slate has been cleaned of all the above, then I can claim that my depression is a medical situation. (Granted I may get to a point when I need medication because I have allowed these issues in my life for so long that it does affect me physically.)
I was just impressed again by how Jesus is literally the answer for all our needs. He works through His Spirit, His Word and those around us, to help us see ourselves as we are.
My tendency is to talk to others about the pain. Blame my problem on this or that. Eat. Sleep. Watch videos. Read mail. Read a book. Anything but going to the Lord.
Prayer. More prayer. Honest, gut wrenching prayer. Forgiveness that goes way deep inside and clears the slate of all pain. That takes prayer. Prayer that brings tears. Tears of repentance. Prayer shows me my sin.
Prayer isn't telling God what I want. It is listening to His evaluation of me and agreeing with it. Allowing His truth to take root in my heart and bring forth fruit for Him. Fruit like PEACE. And JOY. And LOVE.
When my prayer is deep and heart cleansing, showing me my sin, my only response can be gratitude. How can Jesus love me so much that He is willing to love me in spite of my sin?
This gratitude brings with it a compassion for others and a realization of the utter depravity that settles on all of us as humankind. I can never be better than you and God's love brings us all on the same level.
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| Lie on left, truth is right 😊 |
Thomas and Matthew are installing doors in Virginia today. Austin is alone on the job they started yesterday, finishing drywall.
Melvin and Christopher were with me today. Well, they were at the same place, as in, the property, but they were not sewing. They played with their homeschooled friends while school was in session and they all joined their traditionally schooled friends during recess. Christopher also read a book.
Now they're taking care of all the chores around the place. Food and water for the creatures. Wood in the wood box. Milk the cow. Strain the milk.
It's a cold, gray day. This winter is a teaser kind. One week I'm thinking quite seriously about gardening and the next I'm standing next to the fire, shivering.
The south has gotten more snow than we have this winter. We get enough to make the ground white and that's about it. Sunday it snowed beautifully and then rained on top of it.
Currently the world looks mostly brown. Brown tree trunks. Brown grass. Not a whole lot of beauty.
But we have had a good amount of color in the morning and evening skies! That is exhilarating.
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| A picture doesn't do justice to a sunrise! |
...Jesus.
...the local general store (where I could pick up feed for the hungry chickens).
...the beauty of relationships.
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